my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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