he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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