I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize