She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
