I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
