I accidentally had phone sex last night
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
