My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Blood and glitter go together right?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
