I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
