its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
