The best revenge is premature balding
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
