my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
