i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
