Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
