do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
