The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
