My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
