a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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