so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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