Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
