I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
