Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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