tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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