so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
