nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The power of my boobs compel you
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
