i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
