If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
