I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Also, beer. Big fan.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize