M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
