Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
