I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize