Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
