Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Couch. On fire.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
