I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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