hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
