You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
