I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
