I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize