Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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