Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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