i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ladies don't puke and tell
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
