Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you traded sex for a burrito?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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