Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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