I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
