Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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