WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
