I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
