Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
