There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
