Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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