Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
