No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
