theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize