Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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