Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
