when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
