His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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