So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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