i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize