Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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