Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
did i walk over a car last night?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
