I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
